Don’t talk yourself out of success
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Has there ever been a more misleading saying? Words have power, and while most of us are mindful of how we speak to others when it comes to self-talk, that awareness goes out the window.
Everyone has an inner voice. It’s a combination of our conscious thoughts and unconscious beliefs and biases, and we use it to make sense of the world around us. Self-talk can be beneficial when it’s positive (more on that later), but unfortunately, human nature usually defaults to the negative. Whether it’s beating yourself up for a minor mistake, comparing yourself negatively to another person, or engaging in self-defeating thoughts, how we speak to ourselves has a major impact on our personal and professional satisfaction and success. We all fall into this trap occasionally, but if you’re falling into a pattern of negative self-talk, you could be missing out on real opportunities. Thankfully, like any habit, it’s possible to break.
Give yourself a break
We say things to ourselves that we would never say to someone we cared about. We’d never say them to a perfect stranger! When your negative inner voice starts dragging you down, engaging in some self-compassion is the best way to get your thinking back on track. “Self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness and care you'd treat a friend,” says Kristin Neff, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. Self-compassion isn’t about making excuses, it’s about extending the same understanding to yourself as you would another person.
Recently, a founder and CEO came to me feeling exhausted and burnt out. She was working 12+-hour days because “that’s what a founder is supposed to do.” If she didn’t put in excruciatingly-long hours, she felt guilty, even “lazy.” She wasn’t extending any compassion to herself. I asked her what advice she’d give her stepson if he came to her with the same issue.
Immediately, she responded that he needed to let go of his negative thoughts and to prioritize his well-being. By looking outside herself, this CEO was able to find the compassion she needed to cut through her own self-talk.
Get real
I coached another senior executive this week who suffers from imposter syndrome, doubting his own abilities and skills, despite a myriad of professional successes. Will people figure out that he doesn’t deserve his job or his seat at the table? Does everyone else have it figured out except for him? This psychological phenomenon is common, especially in high-achievers. Our negative self-talk tells us that we’re “not good enough,” and we compare ourselves to others, just waiting for the moment when everyone else finds out that we’re a fraud. In my work, I’ve found that the best way to combat this line of thinking is to give yourself a major dose of reality.
When we’re deep in our negative self-talk, we tend to catastrophize. We’re not thinking clearly, so when you find yourself falling prey to this line of thinking, give your space to ask yourself questions that will bring you back down to earth. For this executive, I asked him to consider what the opportunity cost was to the organization for him to spend so much time double-guessing and doubting himself. I also asked him to consider that maybe he wasn’t the only one feeling this way, asking him to think about the other folks sitting at the “table.” Did they also have self-doubt? Of course.
When he compared himself to his colleagues, he focused on their strengths and his weaknesses, ignoring his own skills and achievements. Instead, I encouraged him to list his own accomplishments, tangible proof that his inner voice is “lying.”
Make self-talk work for you
Many people use self-talk or journaling to motivate themselves, and research shows that it can be beneficial, if done properly. Self-talk that helps us take a wider view of our lives and opportunities, rather than narrowly focusing on our anxieties, has been shown to promote happiness, well-being, and success. Instead of tip-toeing around what you’re feeling, try engaging in self-talk that acknowledges and directly addresses your doubts and fears. When self-talk is constructive, it can be a powerful tool for growth.
In a recent study, researchers investigated the nature of self-talk among effective and ineffective managers. 189 senior executive managers were asked to write letters to themselves about their plans and accomplishments. The letters were examined for constructive or dysfunctional self-talk. Letters rated high in constructive self-talk included statements that fit the criteria of being insightful, thoughtfully constructed, self-reflective, and motivational in nature. Letters that displayed negative self-talk indicated that the manager tended to shy away from challenges instead of facing them, focused primarily on the negative aspects of challenging situations, and had a pessimistic attitude toward change of any kind.
Guess which group was most effective.
You can make your self-talk work for you by closely monitoring it and an outside perspective helps. It’s easy to allow inner dialogue to become critical or dwell in second-guessing. Redirecting your self-talk when it’s unconstructive can keep it focused on boosting you. Challenge self-criticism. Replace these exaggerated negative thoughts with more realistic statements that move you toward self-acceptance and confidence.
We all battle a negative inner voice from time to time. What do you do to fight back? Let me know your strategies for taming toxic thoughts!