Thriving as “The Only”: How to command the room without changing who you are
In the last few weeks and months, I’ve had conversations with several C-suite women, and a common theme has emerged: navigating spaces that are dominated by men can feel challenging. Here are just a few of their stories:
A Chief Human Resource Officer told me that she feels isolated in the C-Suite of all men; her industry is very male-dominated, and women aren’t “widely accepted.” She feels like she's in an “uphill battle” and needs to figure out “her balance of personality to not be overwhelming, but not underwhelming.”
I spoke with a Chief People Officer and Chief Legal Officer who are concerned that their leadership team is becoming a “boys club,” especially a recent addition of four new executives (all men). When the team traveled to the Caribbean for an incentive trip, all the men went golfing, posted pictures, and didn’t invite their female counterparts. When the team is all together, the men dominate the conversation with golf talk (which neither woman plays), and seem to be completely unaware that they are excluding others. I actually observed this behavior firsthand at a happy hour; the men were at one table (discussing golf), while the other was a “hybrid” of men and women. I purposely sat with the men, chatted a bit about golf (which I’m not a huge fan of either), and steered the conversation in a different direction. The next day at the offsite, I brought up this scenario as an observation; that a junior employee or their female peers may find it difficult to and intimidating to break through their wall. Later on, the CPO thanked me privately for bringing this up, that it felt more meaningful coming from an external party and needed to be said. The situation made me think; what are the dynamics within the team that the CPO, CLO (and the CEO, who is also a woman, though I didn't speak to her about this) all noticed and were bothered by this behavior, but didn’t feel comfortable addressing it?
Another senior leader came to me with concerns about taking on a new role as Country Manager in a “very much male-dominated company in male-dominated industry.” She’s concerned because not only is the new role a big step up, it’s also one where there are “literally no other female leaders.” She contacted me for coaching on her personal brand, wanting to work on building her reputation, developing her network, and ways to be successful across the matrix org—which will all be especially important, given the environment.
All this has been on my mind recently, especially because March is Women’s History Month, which presents us with an opportunity to recognize both the progress women have made and the barriers that remain. Women are still significantly underrepresented in leadership roles, and the higher you climb, the more pronounced that gap becomes. And that gap widens even more for women of color.
While the glass ceiling is very much still in place, many women are held back long before that level—what experts call the “broken rung.” At all levels, women have lower odds of being chosen for high level roles than their male peers, and when they do reach leadership roles, it is typically later on in their careers. McKinsey’s 2024 Women in the Workplace report found that for every 100 men who received their first promotion to manager in 2024, just 81 women were promoted. As a result, many women leaders find themselves as “the first,” “the only,” or one of a few women in the room. This can create pressure to adapt, often at the cost of authenticity
But here’s the truth: changing who you are isn’t the solution.
So how can women build influence without sacrificing their values or identity?
To help me answer this complex question, I reached out to Mori Taheripour—a CEO, author, speaker, educator, advisor, and overall powerhouse—for her input. The two of us first crossed paths when she taught negotiations at the Goldman Sachs 10,000 Small Businesses program last spring, and I’ve been a big fan ever since. Here are three powerful lessons from our conversation.
Authenticity vs. Expectations
In our society, women and men are saddled with gendered expectations, meant to inform how we’re “supposed” to speak, think, and behave at work and in the world. For professional women, that looks like agreeability, friendliness, or a “don’t rock the boat” mentality. These stereotypes may be outdated, but they’re still present in many, many workplaces.
While friendliness and warmth aren’t bad traits to have, think of how they compare with our traditional ideas of leadership. Assertiveness, confidence, ambition… These characteristics are more in alignment with how we expect men to act. This puts women in an impossible position. When women show stereotypical “feminine” traits, we’re often not thought of as leadership material. When we behave outside of those gendered expectations, we receive substantial pushback. It’s no wonder many women hesitate to bring their whole selves to work—despite the benefits of doing so.
Let go of what you’re “supposed” to be
Gendered expectations are a double edged sword, and in those situations the best advice is to do what feels right to you (within reason). Authenticity is essential, but it doesn't mean showing every part of yourself in every situation. Instead, it's about bringing your true self to the table while adapting how you express your strengths — like empathy, confidence, or kindness — in ways that align with your environment. Forget what you “should” do or who you’re “supposed” to be—what do you want? Leadership encompasses all parts of yourself, and when you hold back, you may lose some of your strengths. “We're made up of so many different things,” Mori said. “I'm a daughter, I'm a friend. I'm an entrepreneur, I'm an educator and a kind person in every part of my being. So which part of me do I leave behind?”
People “should” on themselves all the time, including me! I’m actually working on this; I’ve made a commitment to look beyond the “shoulds” this year. I either want or need to do something, or I don’t do it. For me, it takes mental work to quiet my inner critic and to show up as my best self, but it’s well worth the effort. Not everyone is going to like me, and that’s okay! I choose to be brave—and not to let other people’s expectations dictate how I show up.
Ask yourself: What strengths would I gain by embracing who I am?
Color outside the lines
It’s a common belief that success comes from playing by the book—sticking to established norms, following procedures to the letter, and avoiding deviation. And while yes, structure can provide some comfort, it can also stifle connection and limit creativity. Real impact often comes from knowing when to break away from those rules—especially when they’re no longer working for you. As leaders, we have to adapt “the rules” to the situation at hand. Think of what’s happening in your workplace right now. We know that many people are struggling, and want support, resources, and an empathetic approach. It doesn’t matter if that’s not “the norm” in your organization—it’s what’s needed.
In her teaching career, Mori learned how important it is to meet people where they are. “I can’t just go into a classroom and pretend nothing is wrong,” she said. “Sometimes you can’t stick to the curriculum. If it means we talk about a heavy subject, we talk about a heavy subject. If it means really asking them what's on their minds and pushing off that day's plan, that's what I'm going to do.” In some ways, Mori was breaking her own rules, but she stressed that we can and should trust ourselves. For Mori that meant trusting her instincts, her empathy, and emotional intelligence. “It worked. I fell in love with what I do. I can't tell you how rewarding it is to know that people can accept you just as you are and that you connect with them, and that's actually when you do them the greatest service.”
Ask yourself: What rules are hindering my ability to connect with my people?
Better an “Oops” than a “What If”
Taking risks can feel uncomfortable at any time, but when we’re “the only,” that discomfort is often magnified. However, the fear of making a mistake is often outweighed by the regret of missed opportunities. To quote Mori,
“The worst thing is the ‘what if.’ What if I had asked? What if I had shown up at that meeting? What if I spoke up when something was really important? The ‘what ifs’ will eat you up.”
Choosing to speak up, step forward, or take action—even when you’re unsure—helps you grow and often opens doors to new possibilities.
How do I know? I’ve reaped the rewards of taking a risk in my own life. After separating from my now ex-husband in 2022, I made the decision to fully invest in my business as an Executive and Team Coach. I went all in, turned lemons into lemonade, and took the big, scary risk. Now, I have a successful business that I find incredibly rewarding. We come to a fork in the road many times in our lives, both personally and professionally. The question is, do you want to choose the easy road (which, for me, was complacency), or take the risk (which was investing in my own business—and in many ways, writing this newsletter today)?
When you take risks, mistakes will happen, but it doesn’t have to be a “failure.” Instead, tap into your growth mindset, where setbacks are reframed and valued as opportunities to learn. Our abilities and skills are in constant development and will continue to shift and change over our lifetime. Understanding that is key to taking the sting out of a misstep. No one’s road is free from potholes, detours, or muddy sections, but that doesn’t mean you’ll regret walking it.
Ask yourself: What risks have I been afraid to take?
Embracing authenticity, challenging expectations, and taking bold risks are not easy paths—especially for the few or the only. But to quote, Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” As you reflect on your own path, remember that courage isn’t about being fearless—it’s about showing up as yourself, even when it feels uncomfortable. The risks you take today can help create a future where more women have a voice—and a seat at the table.
What kind of leader do you want to be? Let’s talk about it.