What to do when your inner voice is a liar
Every day, we have dozens of conversations. We talk with colleagues, clients, family, friends… yet we talk the most to ourselves. This “inner monologue” helps us to process our experiences in real time.
The social and behavioral choices we make are influenced heavily by how we speak to ourselves. I have a client (let’s call him Steve) who was recently named Managing Director. He came to me with a goal of improving how he prioritizes and plans where to focus his time to ensure everything is getting done. After further conversation, we uncovered that what was driving him was his concern about being perceived as the right person for the job by his staff, peers, and most of all, the CEO. Steve’s inner voice told him that he needed to prove himself, that others thought he didn’t deserve the promotion, and that maybe they were right.
Another client (let’s call her Natalie) had trouble showing up confidently at work. She knew she needed to expand her professional network, but worried that she would be bothering people or that she seemed desperate or incompetent. Natalie’s inner dialogue told her that she was a burden, so she behaved in an almost apologetic way. It was stunting her growth and limiting her options.
Leaders need confidence in order to effectively guide and inspire their team, and neither Steve nor Natalie felt particularly self-assured. Sound familiar? Struggling with a negative internal dialogue is pretty common, yet you won’t be able to lead to your full potential without breaking that cycle. Thankfully, it is possible to give your inner voice a reality check.
Step outside your self-imposed limits
“I’m not good in front of an audience.” “Everyone will think I’m incompetent.” “I’m too shy to network.” All of these are examples of limiting beliefs, an idea that you believe to be the “truth” that prevents you from showing up the way you intend. These beliefs don’t always have to be about yourself. They could be about how the world works or how you interact with people. Both Steve and Natalie suffered from these beliefs. Steve told himself that his colleagues didn’t think he was good enough for his job. Natalie believed that others would think she was desperate if she reached out to network for help. Their beliefs stopped them from being the leaders they knew they could be.
The first step to undoing limiting beliefs is increasing your self-awareness. When you find yourself hesitating to act on something that may be good for you, look for the underlying belief that may be influencing you. As you begin to identify when your beliefs are holding you back, it’s essential to question their validity.
Be a detective. What evidence supports your belief? What contradicts it? Natalie had others reach out to her all the time, and she didn’t think they were “desperate” – so why would anyone think that about her? Steve’s history and experience made him more than qualified for his promotion. When we shine light on the tales our inner monologue feeds us, they rarely stand up to scrutiny.
Zoom out
A particularly effective tactic for overcoming a negative inner voice is to adjust your perspective. What advice would you give a friend or trusted colleague? If you were mentoring yourself, what would your advice be? When Natalie described her fear of being a “burden,” I asked her to consider what she’d want her daughter to see in this moment. Would she want her daughter to see her approaching things with fear? Children often imitate their parents; would Natalie want her daughter to give up good opportunities? Of course not! Zoom out and consider what you would think if this were happening to someone you really cared about. In Steve's case, he noticed his son doubting himself in the very way he was – which made him more committed to changing. If you come up with different answers once you remove yourself from the equation, it’s a strong indication that your inner dialogue is derailing you.
Embrace discomfort
Shifting long-held beliefs and thought patterns isn’t always easy or comfortable. In order to change your inner discourse, you’ll have to intentionally take action against what your brain is telling you. For Steve, trusting that less-visible contributions were sometimes necessary to prioritize was difficult. We talked about what would shift for him if he evaluated where he spent his time based on where he could make the biggest impact for the business vs. the probability that the contribution will be recognized in the near-term. If Steve wanted to balance how he prioritized tasks and organized his time, he would have to feel uncomfortable and do it anyway. Change doesn’t happen without action. If you’ve done the work to evaluate what needs to change, quieting your inner dialogue and taking a leap of faith isn’t reckless, it’s necessary.
Natalie decided she didn't want to be the biggest obstacle to her own success. For her, this meant challenging herself to reconnect with one person in her network every week. The first InMail was the hardest (Would this person even remember her? What if they didn't respond?), yet she felt good about sending it. In truth, it was never about the response. It was pressing “send” that scared her. She's proud of what she's accomplished and this has emboldened herself to be brave in other areas, such as speaking up in meetings vs. deferring to someone else that she considers to be more of a subject-matter expert.
Your inner monologue can be both your biggest cheerleader and worst enemy. By digging deep, challenging your assumptions, and taking action (even when it’s difficult), you can ensure that how you speak to yourself reflects reality, not fear.